Siiigghhhhhhhhhh…

I freely admit that this funk cloud has been swirling around my head for quite some time and it frustrates me that I can’t seem to shake it. It also frustrates me that the main thing that has me feeling blue is the whole baby issue.

My BIL’s wife announcing her pregnancy was and continues to be difficult for me to accept. It’s a very hard predicament to explain and come across having made sense or not sounding utterly selfish, childish and mean-spirited. God knows that I’m thrilled for them and that I want nothing but the best for their growing family. The difficulties that I feel, in fact, have nothing to do with them directly. It’s all about me. It’s about feeling inadequate and less of a woman for not being able to produce a child. It’s the frustration that comes with knowing that we’ve been on this journey since 2009 and it seems as though it will never come to a happy ending. Her announcement was like me running into a big brick wall with she got pregnant and you can’t written all over it.

The fact that I’m not close with her makes the situation that much more awkward. I don’t trust her to have personal conversations with her because she’s not exactly known for keeping private information private. After learning that lesson the hard way, our interactions have become pretty superficial. I’ve accepted that. But the superficial, keep-my-guard-up nature of our relationship makes it difficult to receive sincerity on both our parts, I think. Last week, for example, right after Bible study finished she loudly and quite forcefully asked me if I had been back to the OB/GYN yet and why not when I told her that I hadn’t. I was offended that she had been so imprudent to ask me such a personal question in front of everyone and I tactfully ( I think) ended the conversation and walked away. I told my sister about everything soon thereafter and her take on it was that SIL wasn’t trying to be rude and that she was probably genuinely concerned. One the other hand, today BIL informed me that she has been put on bed rest because she had some bleeding earlier today. After hemming and hawing about whether or not to say anything (because I didn’t want to put my nose in where it didn’t belong), I decided it’d be best to send a message to see how she was (since it had already been made known to me that she had had this happen). Her response was really abrasive- yes, don’t worry about it, thanks. So who knows what kind of conclusions she’s drawn up in her mind about my motives for asking how she was doing.. Frankly, I’m done with the situation. All I can do is pray that God takes control of everything and heals any and everything that could be wrong. And, while He’s at it, I pray that He heals my heart from all the things that keep this brick wall firmly planted between us.

As for my situation, I’m on CD 10 and no signs of ovulation whatsoever. My temps are super high for pre-ovulation stage and my monitor keeps reading “low.” According to Fertility Friend, tomorrow should mark the beginning of my “high” fertility days, leading up to Sunday when I should expect to ovulate. I’ve never been worried about ovulating before, but I’ve been suspicious since last month when my monitor only gave me a “high” fertility reading for practically my entire cycle. Even if nothing happens this month I just want to make sure that I’m ovulating.. Time will tell…

Pessimistic

Finding it hard to feel optimistic about things today. As I struggle nausea and diarrhea there’s a big part of me that wonders if there’s a point to all this medicating. I feel like my voice isn’t being heard and that God is oblivious to the desire of my heart to have a family. Everyone else gets their blessing and I’m the one left to feel sorry for, all the while trying (and likely failing) to react graciously to everyone’s news. I’m at my wits’ end today with the whole damn thing.

Update

I was a bit nervous after waking up from my three hour nap this afternoon, but apparently the extra sleep was what I needed. On top of that I’ve had a productive evening as well, so all’s good.

I haven’t weighed myself in a few days, but it’s nice to know that I’m now on the lower end of the 220s- something this blog hasn’t seen in years. I’m excited about my new level of motivation and the fact that my goals seem much more in reach now.

At the start of my current menstrual cycle (now day 8) I began taking the metformin that the gynecologist prescribed for me in April. I actually started taking it then but the diarrhea side effect was so bad that I stopped after a few days. This time around I started more gradually and am now taking the full dosage. Today, however, I’ve had nausea and the runs on and off all day. Not pleasant, to say the least, and I’m hoping that tomorrow will be easier. Nevertheless, the temporary discomfort pales in comparison to the undying hope that we’ll soon be parents.

It’s taken me long enough to finally assimilate the news that my SIL is pregnant. I won’t say that the mixed emotions have vanished completely, but I do feel very much at peace with everything. After all, their news has nothing to do with us, even though I’m sure that people automatically think of us and our circumstances when they think of them. But it’s ok now. I’m moving on and continuing to trust God that our day will come. I know it will.

Hopeful

Time for a reality check. A realistic, honest but hopeful look at how things have been going and how they will be in the future.

I’ve been struggling. Hard core. This past week has been especially rough and I’m sure that I can attribute that to my homesick holiday blues, a stolen cell phone and visit from Aunt Flo. Needless to say, my emotions and mood swings have been all over the place. But, I’m starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. And I’m making my way out.

My quest for health remains at the forefront of my concerns, and I guess the only word that really comes to mind when I think about this whole area of my life and how I’m dealing with it is just plain old disappointed. That’s the reality. Not the beat-myself-up guilt trip I try to throw at myself as a tactic to lose weight, but rather the mirror-in-front-of-your-face truth. Things have been stagnant and I’ve been really careless as of lately. And it’s my fault. Period. Will it be like this forever? No. Am I cursing myself into believing that this area of my life will never be healed? Absolutely not. I’m calling things as they are and recognizing my responsibility for them. But, as a woman of God I also believe in the power of declaring and proclaiming in faith, and, as the Bible says, calling forth those things that be not as though they were. And I do declare that healing is in store for me– for my weight issues, for my self-consciousness issues, for everything in me that is broken.

I know the steps that I have to take to lose weight. I’ve done it before. What I’ve never been able to achieve and maintain is consistency. That’s going to be my focus for this Christmas holiday. I’m not going to be unrealistic and say that I will only eat vegetables and fruit throughout the holidays. But, moderation is the key. And I will continue to record everything that I eat and plan. I’m going to get back on my exercise routine as of tomorrow. Things are going to start to look up.

 

From lost to the river

This literal translation of a Spanish expression (used to say that once you’ve messed up you might as well mess up royally) couldn’t be more perfect to describe my weekend.

Our company dinner was on Friday night. We went to a really nice Italian place nearby and everyone ordered healthy meals except for my eggplant parmesan. At least there was eggplant in it. Top that off with half a loaf of bread with a  cheese/butter spread and a huge bowl of crema catalana for dessert. When I had momentarily put my spoon down the waiter came by and whisked the bowl away, followed by my boss’s remark that it was too much anyway..
Saturday and today weren’t much better as all we’ve eaten has been pizza, chicken burgers, bacon cheese fries and lots of soda. A middle schooler’s dream to be sure.

I’m not sure by how much, but I know I’ve gained. I’m looking forward to starting Monday off right. I’m giving myself a week-long clean eating challenge. Lots of fruit and veg, less meat and carbs. And exercise. That simple.

Saying and doing

I definitely took my “do what you’ve never done before” motto seriously today. I had the house to myself for practically the entire day since C was away at a rehearsal, and I tried to be as productive as possible.

I hemmed and hawed about exercising this morning, especially after another weigh-in and seeing the scale not budge. Nevertheless, I fought against the urge to be lazy and won. Taking advantage of the beeuuutiffullll day we had today, I decided to get this running thang underway again. I’ve been wanting to pick up jogging for the longest time and I’ve taken several inconsistent stabs at it. But, after this morning I’m convinced that I want to incorporate running into my exercise regime. It. felt. phenomenal.

When I parked at the start of the promenade I initially had the urge to turn around and go home. On a beautiful day like today which also happens to be a federal holiday, everyone and their mama was outside enjoying the weather. Thankfully I decided not to let the crowds deter me. I got out of my car and started walking. Then, I thought to myself- “what the heck.. I’m here and I might as well make the most out of this exercise session..” And with that I started jogging. And I jogged straight for an hour, taking a 5-minute walking break after the first half our. And long enough to snap these shots:

I felt like this morning. I was a runner this morning. I am a runner.

I was able to see myself as the healthy athlete I’ve always dreamed of being. Tone, lean and strong. Taking the time to get out this morning was exactly what I needed to keep me going on my exercise journey. I’m excited about how far I’ve come and how far I’m going to go.

Doing what I’ve never done

I don’t remember the last time I stayed at home on a Sunday morning, but I’m content with my decision to have done so today. Apart from having tons of work to do (and church later this afternoon anyway), the weekends almost always prove to be nonstop as well, which leaves little to no room for downtime. So, I definitely needed this breather and I don’t feel bad in the least about taking it.

I came across a quote the other day that spoke volumes to me. It simply states, “To get something you’ve never had, do something you’ve never done.” This can be applied to any and everything in life, but I’ve especially taken it to heart with regard to my weight loss journey. I’ve been trying (unsuccessfully) to get back down to my wedding weight (around 200) for the past four years, and I’ve barely made it out of the 230s since having put the extra weight on. I’ve been doing the same things over and over again hoping for different results each time, only to be continually disappointed and frustrated. Granted, I’ve learned a lot along the way and I’m appreciative of all the knowledge that I’ve gained throughout this process. But I’m ready for it to take a downturn- a steady one at that.

These are some things I’ve never done (or done consistantly) that I know will make a difference in my journey:

• Exercise six days a week for at least an hour. This involves doing whatever Turbo Fire class is scheduled for that day plus an additional workout or run if time permits. Given my schedule during the week, I’m going to have to get back into my 6:30AM workouts. That’s always been a challenege, but having done it before I know that I can resume it.
• Stop eating after 9PM. I think that by changing this habit for good I’ll automatically drop all of my post-wedding weight. This is the hardest thing for me since I’ve gotten so accustomed to eating late. Chechu and I have definitely modified our dinners though, seeing that before we’d have these really heavy meals- and right before bed at that. Now we eat lighter and less, but the late eating problem still exists nonetheless.
• Keep an honest record of what I’ve been eating. As of the past week, I’ve been logging into My Fitness Pal regularly to record my meals and exercise. I’m getting more and more into it and I can see how helpful it is to have this tool on hand. I’ve downloaded the app on my phone as well, so I really have no excuses about not staying within my calorie goal range.
• Follow the 5-a-day fruit and vegetable rule. Lay off the carbs and sweets.

At the very least, I’m excited about being at the lower end of the 230s, since I know that this time last year I was at the lower end of the 240s. A loss is a loss, and I’ll gladly take it. But I’m ready for the next level.

Hair

Five a day

That’s the new slogan ringing out from all of the local school cafeterias as these days– five pieces of fruit and five vegetables a day. When I first heard this a few days ago I didn’t really think twice about it– until I realized that on most days I struggle to get in a even fourth of that amount of fruits and vegetables.

As the holiday season approaches, I’m going to keep this slogan firmly in mind. Replacing all these extra carbs and breads with fruits and vegetables will do wonders for my energy level and for my waistline. I’m not going to be completely unrealistic and say that I won’t have anything sweet or carby between now and the new year, but I am striving to be more conscious of what goes into my body.

This whole weight loss thing really is not that complex. It doesn’t have to be this huge emotional roller coaster. Eat more fruit and vegetables, less fat and move. We’ll see where that philosophy gets me between now and January.

230s

It’s funny how easy it is to get accustomed to a certain weight range and then, to make matters worse, convince yourself that you’re not really that big after all. Until you come face to face with a reality check in the form of a very unflattering photo…

I’ve been hovering comfortably around the lower end of the 230′s throughout the month of November which I can’t, in all honesty, say that I’m disappointed about. In fact, I think I’ve achieved quite a lot– regular workouts, using myfitnesspal, making more of an effort with my appearance and just being mindful of taking care of myself in general.

Nevertheless, I’ve gotten comfortable where I am. I’ve somehow managed to convince myself that weighing 230 pounds isn’t that bad, when the reality is that I’ve got about 100 pounds to lose. One freakin hundred. And that ain’t no drop in the bucket the last time I checked.

I want to regain the sense of urgency that spurred me to lose weight before. I need the fire of that “uncomfortable” feeling to break this 230 barrier and continue down the path to optimum health and fitness.

I can be that fit person that I dream of.

Consistency and accountability are the keys to winning this battle.